By
- Lucas Daprile, cleveland.com
Dear Lucas: Once upon a time, Elon Musk was considered a forward-thinking guy who wanted to make environmentally friendly cars and breathe fresh life into humanity’s efforts to explore the stars. That was when I thought it would be both responsible and fashionable to pick up one of their sedans. In the last few years, however, I’ve gone from being proud of my electric car to being ashamed I financially supported someone so opposite my beliefs. I even get weird stares on the road while driving it. Is it time to go back to a gas car?
Dear Reader: Perhaps the most obvious solution requires you to meet your match in the form of an insurance fraud investigator or worse. Lighting your car on fire, then posting a video online where you blame a factory error for the blaze is cathartic and bad propaganda for the company but may also net you an arson charge on top of a claim denial.
Of course, you can sell your car and buy another electric car or at least a fuel-efficient gas car. But if you’ve already ruled out that solution or are just looking for my permission to cause a ruckus, I have you covered.
If seeing the world’s richest man do a Nazi salute radicalized you into thinking the people of Dresden had it coming, you can always weaponize your Tesla to carry the messages of the people.
As you pull up to stop lights – Pol Pot bobble head on the dashboard, North Korean flag blocking the back window and speakers blaring the Soviet Union National Anthem via Tesla’s programmable horn – know you’ll be balancing out all the equally bonkers people who drive unmodified cybertrucks.
After all, you bought your car when it was the “eco-friendly” thing to do. It’s not your fault the world’s richest man now throws temper tantrums on a weekly basis and wants to replace libraries with his twitter feed.
If you’re OK with getting put on a terrorist watch list and possibly having your entire neighborhood air-struck by an MQ-9 Reaper drone, you can export your suffering onto others. Weld – yes, weld – Nissan Altima badging on every Tesla you see. Affordable and perennially mediocre, the Altima is the people’s car.
You would be doing this not only to destroy property, but also to remind Tesla drivers that they still have more in common with the driver of a budget grocery getter than a fascist version of King Farouk.
That said, take all of this with a grain of salt. Some people can afford to destroy their prized possessions and others cannot. Not everyone can be as obscenely wealthy – and therefore immune from the consequences of our own decisions – as Elon Musk.
Previous questions
Ask Lucas: I just started dating someone who isn’t on social media. Is that a red flag?
Ask Lucas: I caught my son with Zyns. What should I do?
Ask Lucas: My husband refuses to put things back in the right part of the refrigerator
Ask Lucas: Thanks to TikTok, my wife has become obsessed with ‘romantasy’ books
Ask Lucas: I can’t take another month of cold weather.
Look at this handsome fella. His name is Lucas and he will be writing more columns like this, despite common sense saying this should stop while he’s ahead. If you want to send hate mail or, for some reason, ask for his advice, please send an email to ldaprile@cleveland.com.
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